LAUNDROMAT

Thom Morgan

Original Concept by Michael Steer.

Laundromat was first performed in the Prince Alfred College Assembly Hall on the 13^th of September, 2001 with the following cast in order of appearance:

Harold Pennyweather. Chris Olver

Wendel Benson. Aaron Folland

Albert Schwinner. Nick Selth

Charles Blunt. Lachlan Scott

Naked Man. Tom Nicholls

Man No. 1. Mark Trim

Man No. 2. Ed Brockhoff

The Sea Captain. Ed Brockhoff (voice: Thom Morgan)

Father Tippity o’ Praire. Thom Morgan

Basil Subordinate Clause. Mark Trim

Steven Maltese Claret Preposition. Lachlan Scott

The Sad Mafiose. Thom Morgan

Yorke Braithwaite. Ben David

Inspector Dill. Micha Jensen

Gwendolyn. (voice: Thom Morgan)

ACT ONE

Scene 1

Opening: A suburban Laundromat.

Lights up.

As the opening music plays, images are shown on a projection screen of the murder of an unidentified woman by a strange looking man. Images are then shown of a dead dog’s body, over which stands another strange woman. There are flashes of various items: A red and yellow check blanket, a dress, a collar and a bloodstain.

4 Machines are located at the front of the stage between the actors and the audience. The door to the Laundromat is SR with a soap dispenser and dryer SL. Chairs are places at the rear of stage together with a folding table.

The stage is lit in harsh blue light. The opening music fades, to be replaced with a quieter, slightly more ominous soundtrack that comes from offstage. To the side of the stage, a projection of people walking around is seen. Two men are clearly visible. One is shown as he approaches the Laundromat.

Harold Pennyweather enters SL and moves furtively into the Laundromat. He is carrying a basket that contains a red and yellow blanket concealed under a sheet - He checks the Laundromat for other patrons before choosing a machine. He spends some time checking, worried that he will be discovered. He clearly has a secret, which he wishes to hide. When he hears a noise at the door he conceals himself behind the soap machine.

Wendel Benson enters carrying a large basket that he struggles to maneuver through the door. He also checks the Laundromat for customers before moving to a machine. He moves around all the machines and the chairs, checking around and under each before moving on, convinced that he is safe. He then realises that he need soap and after searching for change he discovers Harold behind the soap machine.

***

Wendel. (Sharp intake of breath).

Pause.

Harold. Do you need soap?

Wendel. Yes. Yes I do.

Harold offers some soap to Wendel.

Harold. Here, take mine.

Wendel. No, No I couldn’t.

Harold. I insist...

Wendel. It’s very kind of you

Harold. Not at all. (Looks in his pockets for money). Do you have any change?

Wendel rummages through his pockets

Wendel. Why yes. Yes I do

Harold. Could I?

Wendel. Yes of course... (He gives Harold the money)

They both move to their respective machines and begin to wash; making sure that the other is unable to see what they are washing. They return to their seats and an uncomfortable silence ensues.

Pause.

Harold. Dropped my change.

Wendel (confused). I’m sorry...

Harold. Dropped my change. That’s why I was behind the soap machine.

Wendel. Oh! (Looks confused)

Harold mimics dropping change

Harold. Plink Plink! Plink Plink!

Wendel (laughs politely). Where is it now?

Harold. What?

Wendel. The change! You dropped your change. Where is it now?

Harold. In the machine for soap

Wendel. But you already bought soap when I came in… And you were on the floor with the soap that you gave to me.

Harold. So?

Wendel. So.... where’s the change?

Harold (confused). Gone. (moves to the soap machine). Under here.

Wendel. Oh!

A pause.

Harold. Harold.

Wendel. Excuse me?

Harold. Ha – rold. Pen-ny-wea-ther. I presume you have a name?

Wendel. Oh! Wendel Benson. (Pause. Next statement is almost an afterthought.)

 Pleased to meet you.

Harold. Are you?

Wendel (confused). Well, yes… I suppose I am.

There is a return to the uncomfortable silence, followed by a knock at the door.

Harold. Are you going to answer that?

The knocking gets louder.

Wendel. Are you?

Harold. Well…. Why is someone knocking on the door at a Laundromat?

Louder.

Wendel. I don’t know… but we best answer it all the same.

So loud as to drive Harold to distraction.

Harold. Very well.

They move to answer the door. Enter Albert Schwinner, from one of the washing machines. He has a suitcase and is dressed in a bright chequered suit. Harold sits down

Albert. Well Well! This must be your lucky day my good man. Albert Schwinner’s the name. You can call me Mr. Plastic Fantastic. If you can seal it, mould it, stick it, well it’s more than likely I sell it.

Wendel. If you’ll excuse me... (returns to his seat).

Albert. Excuse you? What did you do? Ha! Get it? (Moves to Harold). Can I interest you in a bit of this?

He opens the suitcase. Harold does not like what he sees.

Harold. Not really, I....

Albert. Do you have a wife?

Harold. No, I’m not married....

Albert. A girlfriend then? Sweetheart? Bit on the side? ha!

Harold. No I live alone.

Albert. Well you must have a mother and she must be a woman and those two things being equal she must be interested in a bit of this!

He is virtually shoving the suitcase in Harold’s face. Harold recoils in horror.

Harold (bluntly). She’s dead.

Albert. Dead? (He thinks for a minute. A pause. Then he quickly turns to Wendel). What about you then?

Wendel. I’m not dead.

Albert. What?

Wendel. I’m sorry...

Albert. No need to be sorry my good man, she can’t be as bad as all that!

Wendel. What?

Albert. Your wife. She can’t be.... ahh (gives up). You do have a wife?

Wendel. As a matter of fact I do........

Albert. Go on Go on!

Wendel. A lovely wife.

Albert. Not dead is she?

Wendel. Gwendolyn

Albert. No offence! No offence! Gwendolyn.. Oh! Would she be interested in a bit of this?

He opens the suitcase and thrusts it in Wendel’s face. Wendel draws closer.

Wendel. She might be. She’s very fond of plastic.

Albert. Plastic ay? Well I’m just the man for all things plastic and fantastic. Knives-forks-spoons-sporks-whitegoods-greengoods and above all good goods… so where is she?

Wendel. Well ah…

Albert. Wait a second! Hang on a minute! Your wife isn’t here is she?

Wendel. Well no she…

Albert. Don’t tell me… Don’t tell me! Washing machines. Soap machines. Dryer. This... is a very clean house.

Harold. It’s a Laundromat.

Albert. A very clean house. Laundromat you say? (runs  to the door and peers outside). You’re right. Who would have thought it? Washing machines, soap machines, dryers... (a pause). What are you fellows doing living in a Laundromat then?

Wendel. It’s a Laundromat.

Harold. We’re washing.

Albert. Oh. (A pause). Laundromat. . . . Laun - dro - mat.... Washing eh! Scrub a dub!

(A longer  pause).

Albert rummages through all his clothes before producing a very small handkerchief, which he makes a great show of washing. He then returns to his seat.

Albert. Ever been on Leister Street?

Wendel Screams. The other two look at him.

Harold. No!

Albert. Come on, (whispers to Harold). Leister Street. Doesn’t ring a bell?

Wendel Screams again.

Albert. You must have been!

Harold. No! I’m not from around here.

Albert. Well, I only ask because I was talking to this woman on Leister Street. A large woman. A very large woman. She’d asked me round the back for a cup of tea. I’m sitting there, minding my own business, when I hear someone digging a hole next door. I sneak up and pop my head over the fence and there’s this bloke putting something into the hole.

Wendel (screaming). How big was the hole?

Albert. How big? Hmm… About, this by this (Indicates with his hands). Yes, he was putting something into it wrapped in a red and yellow check picnic blanket. (Goes to his machine).

Harold. Did you get a look at him? Did you see his face?

Albert. No I didn’t. The large woman came back out with a plate of scones. But I’d say that he looks a bit like.... you (speaking to Wendel).

The door of the Laundromat opens and a man walks in. He moves towards Wendel’s machine. Wendel leaps up to stop him. He moves to Harold’s machine. The same occurs. The man moves without comment to a central machine. As he does another man enters and moves to the same machine.

Man 2. Not so fast my friend, this machine is taken.

Man 1. First in best dressed my good fellow.

Man 2. Don’t you mean undressed, we are in a Laundromat. (They laugh).

Man 1. Ha, very witty. Now if you could be so kind I will commence washing.

Man 2. Not in my machine you won’t.

Man 1. MY machine

Man 2. Let’s not make an issue of this. We’re all adults here. (They struggle).

Man 1. So you say and yet you place your underwear where it clearly should not be sir!

Man 2. That sir, is a matter of opinion!

 Others enter and become involved. The fight becomes a huge melee.

Man 1. Opinion! I’ll give you my opinion, and you’ll give me MY machine.

Man 2. It’s not the machine. It’s the principle that matters.

Man 1. Unhand my summer drawers!

They exit fighting, but just before they leave...

Man 1 (to Harold). That woman, the one I’ve seen you with, She’s looking for you.

They Exit.

A Pause.

Albert. Woman eh? I thought you said you didn’t know any women.

Harold. He must have been mistaken.

Albert. Mistaken! That’s hardly likely! He seemed pretty certain to me.

Harold (emphatic). I live alone

Albert. Well like I said… bit on the side ay? Nothing to be ashamed of…

A man enters and moves to Wendel’s machine. There is a repeat of the earlier occurrence. He stands in front of the unoccupied machine and begins to undress. He studies Harold carefully.

Naked man (to Harold). You know, I never forget a face. And I remember your face.

Albert (to Harold). Well... aren’t you the popular one?

Naked man. I’ve seen you down on.... let me think... Down on Leister Street, talking to a large woman.

Albert. Leister Street? A large woman? (suspicious)

Naked man. She was looking for you. She said she’d lost her dog, a Kelpie about yay big (indicates with his hands). (pause). As I said, I never forget a face

He exits, partially undressed.

Albert. He never forgets a face, ha! Who was that? And why did he leave all his stuff here?

Wendel. So you know  Leister Street?

Harold.  It is possible

Wendel. My wife has a Kelpie.

Harold. How nice.

Wendel. The Kelpie lives in Leister Street.

Harold. Yes.

Wendel. With my wife.

Harold. And?

Wendel. My wife is looking for a kelpie!

Harold (snidely). Sorry, I only sell goldfish

Albert. Steady on there fellow, no need to be snide. (To Wendel). Is your wife by any chance, a ‘large woman’?

Wendel. She is of a good size, yes.

Harold. I don’t know any woman.

Albert. Well... It seems perfectly clear to me that you know at least one woman. A woman of considerable size no less. One that is currently searching for an unidentified Kelpie. Woof woof! WOOF!

A dog barking is heard outside. A man enters and moves to Harold’s machine. Harold leaps up to prevent him.

Charles. What the hell is this? (Harold attempts to close the machine). Have you no shame, no consideration for others? (Looks around). It’s hair! Dog hair! (Pause). Kelpie dog to be precise.

Wendel. Kelpie dog?

Charles. Kelpie dog. I should know, I’m a dog breeder. Well it’s actually the dogs who do the breeding (elicits a laugh from Albert). I just supervise. I want that understood.

Albert. What’s the Kelpie hair on then?

Charles. It’s on this! (He takes a red and yellow check blanket out of the machine).

Albert. Well well well.

Harold. My dog is losing its hair.

Albert. Your... Kelpie dog perchance?

Harold. Kelpie cross.

Albert. I imagine he is cross if he’s losing his hair.

Meanwhile, Charles has moved to Wendel’s machine.

Charles. What the heck is this?

Albert. Quite nosy for a dog breeder aren’t you?

Wendel (defensively). A dress. A summer dress.

Charles. A dress for what? A weather balloon!

Harold has become interested and he helps Charles to remove the dress from the washer.

Wendel. It’s for my wife. She’s a large woman.

Albert. She’s not large my good fellow... she’s well beyond large. If she fits this dress then she’s... she’s... she’s....

Wendel begins to sob

Albert.  She’s probably a lovely person that’s what. Ah yes....

Wendel. It’s not her fault. She just gets hungry that’s all. And I’ll thank you to put her dress back in the machine where it belongs.

Charles. That’s an unusual mark.

Albert. What mark?

Charles. This mark. This large brown and red mark on the back of the dress.

Harold. What?

Charles.  See? Right here. And the dress is torn a bit. Almost looks like it has been cut or something.

Wendel. Ah, nasty accident that. Tomato Sauce.

Albert. Tomato sauce?

Wendel. Well, I said she gets hungry didn’t I? Now if you wouldn’t mind...

Reluctantly the dress is put back into Wendel’s machine. Charles makes as if to look in Albert’s briefcase.

Albert. Steady on! Enough of that. Do you actually have any washing?

Charles. Washing.. Washing? Oh, washing! Um no. I forgot it. Ah, Be back soon.

He exits.

The three remaining characters eye each other warily. Suspicion has been aroused.

Albert. Well, this has been interesting. Seems that we have a large woman – your wife if I do understand correctly – who is currently searching for a dog – also yours I might add – and that you my good friend have been seen on Leister street – home of said man – with a woman – whose size is yet to be determined. It has been interesting… Even if I haven’t sold anything yet. Which reminds me....

Harold. Sorry

Wendel. Not interested

Albert. Well! It’s a little stuffy in here (annoyed).  I’ll be back soon enough. May as well get some washing done.

He exits.

The tension remains between Harold and Wendel.

Harold. So…

Wendel. So….

Harold. What has your wife been up to? Have a happy marriage? I haven’t seen… I mean you didn’t say much about her. Pause. Your wife. Gwenny.

Wendel. Why did you call her that?

Harold. (Thinking he has revealed too much). Well ah… her name’s Gwendolyn isn’t it? (Aggressively). Just trying to be friendly, Hah!

Wendel. Yes well… she’s a bit sick at the moment. (Pause). You ah, like dogs?

Harold. Not really.

Wendel. You just have a kelpie?

Harold. Ah, yes. Keeps me company, seeing as I don’t know that many women.

Wendel. Ah. (Pause). Yes.

***

Scene 2

Harold and Wendel are seated in the Laundromat. They are now clearly uncomfortable in each other’s presence. They are fidgeting noticeably. They both stand at the same time too attend their washing, glancing suspiciously at each other. On the projection screen,, we notice a clearly drunk priest walking down the road, singing to himself. He is Father Tippity O’ Praire, the local priest. He stumbles up to the Laundromat, pauses for a second, then enters.

Father. Top o’ the morning to ye all. Or is it afternoon? Oor night? (He scratches his head). Well, good day to ye all in any case. I’oiim….. (scratches his head), Faaather Tippity O’Praire. (In a quieter voice). This isn’t the church is it?

Harold. Ah, no.

Wendel. It’s a Laundromat.

Father. Oh… Ah good yes, I thought I’d stumbled into a den of sin, and I’m not in the mood for conversions or preaching. It’s not been a good day… or noiight. I forget.

Harold. Why?

Father. Why? Well, all the confessions. Drinking. Women. Godlessness. And then I had to listen to everyone else’s as well.

Wendel. Excuse me?

Father. You know, confessions. (He goes and sits down). Knock Knock! (Puts on an assumed voice). Ah yes father, here’s a list of everything I’ve done wrong. Be good enough to sort it out would you? I can’t be bothered putting in the quality time with the man upstairs.

Harold. Isn’t that your job?

Father. Well, yes. But I’m not very good at it! People don’t like it when I talk back.

Wendel. Talk back?

Father. Yes! A fellow told me all about his drinking and I said to him ‘you’re the fellow I was out with on Saturday night! I can’t listen to them anymore, because I keep hearing myself.

Harold. Whereabouts is your church?

Father. Leister Street. Well, used to be Leister Street.

Harold. Why do you say used to?

Father. I’m moving away from there. Too damn depressing that’s for sure. A woman comes in, tells me about how she’s having an affair… and how she’s afraid her husband is going to kill her, and she can’t find her dog….

Wendel (anxious). When was this?

Father. A day or two ago I think.  Haven’t seen her since then. It was funny, because there were two other lads who came into the church at about the same time. One told me how he was having an affair… and the other said he wanted to kill his wife… they must have all been sitting there, not looking at each other, not suspecting a thing.

Harold. Ah, aren’t you not supposed to talk about these things.

Father. I’m not supposed to drink either, or hang around in clubs and gambling dens.

Harold. Ah, this is a Laundromat.

Father. What? Oh yes… Well, ah…

The Naked Man Returns.  He removes some more of his clothes. He is carrying a newspaper with him.

Father. Say sonny, you wouldn’t mind lending us that paper would ya? I need to have a look at the form guide.

Naked man.  Of course.

He hands the paper to the father.

Father. Well, would you look at this!

Harold Snatches the paper from him.

Harold. Woman missing… foul play suspected…. All is not rosy on Leister Street… It says here that…

Suddenly Albert bursts back in.

Albert. Well, I brought my washing with me this time. Hello! A priest! Can I interest you in a bit of…

Father. Unless you’ve got a stiff drink in there sonny the answer is probably no.

Albert. Sorry. Say Father, you’re not open for confessions right now are you?

Father. Ah leave me alone can’t you? Speak to the big fella himself if you want. But I’m busy. I need to… I mean I’m needed back at the parish headquarters. So, it’s been nice meeting you gentleman, but I really must fly.

He gets up, walks the wrong way, and then he tries to leave through the one of the doors, but he can’t manage to get out.

Father.  I’ve always wanted to know where one of these goes…

He begins to climb into one.

Father. Ouch! What the great good lord is this?

He pulls out some bones.

Father. Holy Relics? No, looks more like bones of a little fella about yay big…. But where’s the rest of the body? Oh well, turrah gentleman…

He exits.

Nick Exits.

TRACK 12  IS PLAYED HERE.

Silence Descends.

A man enters.  He looks weathered but he is in good spirits and stares into the distance. He carries with him a fishing pole and he wears a hat  that clearly identifies him as a sea captain.

The captain enters, takes a machine next to Harold’s machine. He begins to fish out of his washing machine like it was the most perfectly natural thing in the world to do. A silence descends on the Laundromat.

Harold. Any luck?

The Captain doesn’t reply, seemingly oblivious to Harold and Wendel’s presence.

Harold (louder). Ah, any luck?

Captain. .... Ah what?

Harold indicates the machine and his rod with a wave of his head. For a moment Harold realises the man is fishing out of a washing machine, but he does not comment.

Captain. Ah, well they’re not biting yet. A man’s prone to being miserable when they don’t bite. I don’t like killing them of course, but if they don’t bite.. well.. I’ve nothing at all to do

Harold. Caught any lately?

The captain does not initially appear to hear his comment.

Captain. You could always not fish I suppose. But then I have this rod, and what good is it without some purpose? (He finally hears Harold) Any lately? It’s hard to tell really. Some big ones and some little ones, but I throw the little ones back mainly.

Harold. Why?

A pause

Captain. I don’t suppose I know exactly. They’re no good for eating, but if you caught a lot of them they might be. (pause). Never really liked the taste of fish personally.

At this moment Albert re-enters the Laundromat. He moves to where his machine was to find that the Sea Captain now occupies it.

Albert. Say there old fellow, couldn’t help but notice you’ve taken my machine.

The captain remains intent on his fishing, but replies anyway.

Captain. See, there are some men who might say it’s your machine and then there are others who’d say it wasn’t, and then of course you might say.. ‘well the sea don’t belong to anybody at all and whilst this here isn’t the sea it still....

Albert glances at Harold and Wendel, rolls his eyes then interrupts the captain.

Albert.  Ah yes, very good and all that. I’ll come back later. (Pause). You wouldn’t happen to have a wife would you?

Captain pauses before drawing a deep breath.

Captain. Well there was a time....

Albert. Never Mind!

Albert exits.

A longer pause. The captain is fishing intently. The others in the Laundromat go about their business. On several occasions the captain looks as if he might burst into speech but he decides against it. He pulls out his line a few times just to check it. Suddenly, there is some action in his machine.

Captain. Hello! a bite!

This pique’s the interest of some of the others. The captain takes the opportunity to begin talking.

Captain. Feels a bit heavy this one. Haven’t had a bite this big for a long time.

Wendel. Need any help?

Captain. No it should be okay. I’ve done this a few times before. (pause. Captain is intent on his catch). Always happens. They won’t bite and you want to give up and then bam! All of a sudden you can’t pull ‘em up fast enough. I was never really going to quit. Because I have this rod, and my father had his rod, and his father had his rod....

(The others are losing interest) I knew a few who did try something else. Just walked away from being fisherman. Didn’t see any point to it they said.

(Pause. He begins to pull the line in).

Of course, I did meet a fellow once who never caught anything. Said he was a true fisherman. He’d never catch a thing but he was a stubborn one. The whole time.... not a single fish but he stuck to it.

Harold. (Yawns). Very stubborn of him

Captain. Yes. (pause). But he was right, in a manner. They may bite and then they may not but they’d always be there.... so I guess he didn’t have a reason to walk away (pause). Not for me to worry though, I’ve got plenty of biting at this time.

He completely reels in the line. Attached to the end of the line is a dog collar, the collar that belonged to Wendel’s dog.

Captain. What’s this? Looks like a dog collar. (Pause. He takes a closer look). There’s a name here.... Tricksy? Yes that’s it. Tricksy.

Harold and Wendel glance at each other. Suspicion is aroused further.

Wendel. What is my Tricksy’s collar doing here?

Harold. You must have brought it in, and dumped it in there by accident. Or maybe Albert accidentally did so.

Wendel. Maybe... or maybe someone else did.

A threatening pause. The captain is oblivious to the rising tension.

Captain. Well, I must be off. Plenty of fish around. Hopefully they keep biting.

He begins to exit.

Funny that.... I knew a dog called Tricksy.... used to live next door to that woman. I was there only the other day as well. I remember.... that’s right there was that large hole in the woman’s yard. And.... what else was it? (pause) Oh that’s right, there was a smaller hole next door. Looked like two graves they did, side by side except for the fence. A grave for a ... dog maybe? and a man? No, that’s absurd. Must have been renovations… or gardening. Anyway...........

The captain leaves. The dog collar is left behind on the seat.

Harold. A grave big enough for a woman.

Wendel. A hole, just the right size for a dog.

Harold. Renovations.

Wendel. Gardening

At this point Albert re-enters. He bursts through the door.

Albert. Is he gone yet? Ha! That fellow was old enough to... Wait a minute, what did I miss? (He has noticed the escalation in tension in the room).

Wendel. We found Tricksy’s collar. In your machine.

TRACK 13 IS PLAYED HERE, FADED OUT AFTER 10 SECONDS.

He is interrupted as two men enter the Laundromat, talking loudly. They are dressed in the style of university professors, with tweed jackets. One of them is smoking a pipe, the other is carrying a briefcase.

Basil Subordinate Clause. Have you spoken to Karl lately? What’s he been up to?

Steven Maltese Claret Preposition. Oh he’s busy - and grumpy - as per usual. Always in one of his moods. The Bourgeoisie this, The Bourgeoisie that..

Basil. No chance of speaking to him any chance soon then?

Steven. I don’t think so, I’m afraid. I was speaking to Frederic and he was saying.......

Basil looks around and interrupts him in mid sentence.

Basil. Oh! Where are we?

Steven. What? Oh... this must be the place. The uh.... Laundromat! that’s it.

Basil. Ah! How..... Quaint. (pause) These fellows must work here. Excuse me, could you please help me operate the washing contraption?

Albert. Soap’s over there, dryer’s over there, only one machine is free though, I’m afraid.

Steven. Quite alright, we’re willing to pay.

Albert. No No... only one machine is available, you’ll have to share.

He points at the machines.

That’s mine, that’s Wendel’s and that one is Harold’s. Ah, how rude of me, I’m Harold, Mr. Fantastic plastic man, salesman extraordinaire. You fellows look in need of few new items... sorry what were your names again?

Steven. We hadn’t told you yet. But in any case, I’m Steven Maltese Claret Preposition.

Albert. What?

Steven. Steven Maltese Claret Preposition.

Albert. Oh! That’s what I thought you said.

Basil. And I’m Basil Subordinate Clause.

Steven. So SO!

Basil and Steven burst into strong laughter. Albert, Wendel and Harold stare at them.

Harold. What?

Basil and Steven abruptly stop laughing.

Basil. Never mind. (pause). Well, we better get started then. I’m sure we can share one of these contraptions.

They open the briefcase and proceed to pull out tweed jacket after tweed jacket. The others look in astonishment.

Steven.  Any colour jacket, so long as it’s tweed

Basil laughs obediently. He then pats his pockets, looking for change. Wendel notices this action.

Harold. Need some change?

Basil. Well it’s a funny thing change. Never seem to have it when you need it, and then it comes along all of a sudden when you’re unprepared.

Harold. What, small change?

Basil. What? Oh, small change. Ah yes, if you have some, that would be splendid.

Wendel (suspiciously). I thought you dropped your change…

Harold. Um, ah, well yes I did. And it’s probably around here somewhere.

He drops to his knees, looking around and under the machines. He notices something under one of the machines, which he quickly stuffs in his jacket. Steven notices this but says nothing. Fortuitously, Harold finds some change on the ground. He stands again, holding the change out with a look of jubilation on his face.

Harold. Tada!

Albert. Steady on there! Never knew change could be so exciting

Basil takes the change, and proceeds to get some soap. Steven stops unloading jackets and approaches the others.

Steven. On the contrary my dear fellow, change is almost always exciting. The shock of the new and what have you.

Albert. No I meant…

Steven. We are, it seems, cursed to live in interesting times. The trouble is, of course, distinguishing between good and bad change. Change for change’s sake and what have you.

Wendel. You seem to know quite a bit about the subject.

Steven unrolls a comically large degree.

Steven. Bachelor of philosophy, majoring on the impact of change in society. You know, it’s funny how often people tell me…

Albert. I’d like a large fries with that.

Steven. What?

Albert. Never mind.

There is an uncomfortable pause.

Harold. You were saying…

Steven. What? Oh yes, change. People often tell me I know a lot about change. Why I’m interested and that sort of thing. Well, for me it’s always been about personal change. People would always grow bored around me, they always wanted something different. I often wondered why.

Albert gives him a sniff.

Albert. Phew! How often exactly do you change? Or shower for that matter!

Steven ignores him.

Steven. I often find that people are basically unhappy in their lives, condemned, as they are to live halfway between the beasts and the gods, as it were.

Harold. How do you mean?

Steven. Well, they’re aware of their own mortality. A frightening thing. Most people are happy to remain ignorant of course, but for some… it can drive them to do some crazy things?

Harold & Wendel. Murder?

They look at each other, rather shocked. Albert observes this silently.

Steven. Ah, I was thinking more in terms of a kind of malaise, wearing black, drinking a lot, smoking, you didn’t go to college did you? But murder… well I guess murder would be acceptable.

A pause. After a while, Basil kicks the soap machine in the background.

Basil. Stupid machine! My change is useless.

Albert. Hear we go again.

Steven. Well in a sense your change is useless, but then on the other hand….

Albert. This is all very well, this polite conversation, but what use does any of it have?

Steven. Use?

Albert. Yes! Use! A fat lot of good all the textbooks in the world will do you when you’re faced with a rampaging Elephant or a surly flock of seagulls

Basil. Well, they’re quite heavily actually.

Albert. What?

Basil. Textbooks. I imagine a decent smack to the head from a textbook could stop an elephant.

He produces an even larger comic degree.

Basil. That’s my special area. 101 things in philosophy that you think are useless but maybe just maybe might come in handy. It’s all there on the degree.

Wendel takes the degree and has a look.

Wendel. Majoring in Scottish accents?

Harold. Scottish accents?

Basil. Indeed! The Scottish accent is up there with the heavy textbook and the Spork in terms of usefulness.

Harold. But why?

Basil. Well the fact that it’s a spoon and a fork…

Harold. No, I meant why is a Scottish accent so useful?

Basil. Have you ever met a foreigner who can decipher a thick Scottish accent? It’s the safest code known to those who speak English. Impenetrable

Albert. (With a put on Scottish accent).  Aye Jimmy he no far rong you know I cannae understand e meeself och….

Steven. You sound more like a dog than a Scotsman.

Basil. Like a dying Dog!

This draws a strong laugh from the two philosophers but elicits only nervous laughter from Wendel and Harold.

The Washing machine dings like a microwave.

Steven. Well, our jackets are done. We’d best be off. Oh, ah, what’s your name, Harold, that thing you picked up off the ground, it’s almost falling out of your jacket. You’d want to be careful with a knife like that.

They collect their jackets and begin to leave.

Basil. So anyway, the other day who should call around but Nietzsche.

Steven. The funny looking lad with the moustache?

Basil. The very same! He says to me….

They exit, still talking loudly.

There is a long, uncomfortable pause.

Albert. A knife ay?

Harold (trying to sound nonchalant). Must have dropped it when I dropped my change in the first place. A man’s got to eat you know. Besides, I don’t have a spork.

Albert. Well I have a whole range of… wait a minute I didn’t get a chance to sell anything to those funny fella’s. Wait here, I’ll be back soon!

He dashes off.

Wendel. You’re not… bored with your life are you?

Harold. No… are you?

Wendel. No

A pause

Harold. There’s a point of course.

Pause

Wendel. To what?

Pause

Harold. To all of this.

Pause

Wendel. Well, you can never have enough clean clothes.

Harold. I meant to life. Besides, you didn’t actually bring any clothes did you?

Wendel. Neither did you.

Harold. Mind if I take a look in your machine?

Wendel. It’s not finished yet.

Harold is about to press the issue further when the naked man enters.

Naked man. You two still here?

Harold & Wendel. Yes.

Harold. You’re not bored are you?

Naked man. Bored? With a body like mine? Unlikely!

He removes a layer of clothing before exiting.

The lights dim again.

***

Scene 3

***

TRACKS 14 AND 15  ARE PLAYED HERE

We hear gunshots outside the Laundromat. Wendel and Harold are both visibly distressed and agitated, and they both rise to look out the window near the door, before returning to their seats.

Harold. What was that?

Wendel. I don’t know. Maybe it was the police?

Harold. The police? Why would the police be around here?

Wendel. Well…. That murder that was in the paper. And my Tricksy is missing.

TRACK 16  IS PLAYED HERE, FADED AT THE 10 SECOND MARK

Suddenly, a man enters, moves to the machines, leans on them and begins sobbing.

The Sad Mafiose. What did you have to do that for Johnny? Why? And then I couldn’t even aim properly with the shot! Ah, what’s the use of it?

He pulls out a violin case. There is a loud gasp from Harold and Wendel. But instead of pulling out a gun he pulls out an actual violin, which he begins to play… very, very badly.

Mafiose. I can’t even do that right!

Harold. Are you alright?

Mafiose. What the? Who are you? What are you doing here?

Harold. This is a Laundromat. I’m washing my clothes.

Wendel. No you’re not.

Harold. Neither are you!

Wendel. Well a…..

Mafiose. Laundromat? Awww nuts! I screwed up again. There’s only one thing I can do…

He reaches for the violin.

Harold. Ah…. I’m Harold.

Wendel. Wendel.

Mafiose. Hmm? Oh, well they call me The Sad Mafiose, on account of me working for the mob, and I’m not very happy. Always looking like I just sucked a lemon.

Wendel. Why so sad?

Mafiose. I hate killing people!

Steven. I think I left my jacket here…..

Mafiose. AAHHHH!

TRACK 17 IS PLAYED HERE

I can’t stand my job! But it’s all I got you see? The weight of years of tradition, of expectations, of all the smiling relatives and the infinite number of cousins called Vinny. Do this, do that… And so now, I’d rather kill a man than face up to my family. But I hate doing it!

Harold. So what you’re saying is…rather than talk to your parents and do something else with your life, you’d rather kill people?

Mafiose. Well, they’re not innocent people. And no, I wouldn’t rather it. I just can’t face up to them. When I was younger, if I couldn’t find my pants I’d walk around without them rather than ask where they were, you know what I mean?

The Naked Man returns.

Mafiose. Looks like that guy is still doing it.

Naked Man. Huh?

Harold. Nothing.

The Naked Man removes another piece of clothing, then leaves.

Wendel. If you don’t mind me saying so… that seems a bit, well, cowardly.

Mafiose. What? Why I oughta…(He starts to sob). But you’re right! I’m a coward, a good for nothing murderer.

A pause.

Wendel. Well, I suppose we all have things we’re ashamed of.

Mafiose. Yeah? Like what?

Wendel. Well…

Harold. Maybe you do, but I don’t. I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. It’s the other people though. I can’t stand people!

Wendel. Why do you say that?

Harold. There are so many of them! All doing their own stupid little things. And I’m stuck in the middle of it. All I‘ve ever wanted was everything and all I’ve ever gotten was this. I’m a decent guy, I pay my taxes, I gave at the office, I’m not a professional criminal or anything…

Mafiose. Hey watch it!

Harold. Sorry, Sorry! But at least you have the chance to confront things, if you could. You at least have the option of talking to your family. But there’s nothing I can do! And it just grinds and grinds… (A pause). So maybe you do some crazy things, or think silly things. You become attracted to the things you can’t have… TV weather presenters, game show girls, the local hairdresser with the wedding ring…

Wendel. I could never do that!

Mafiose. Well what’s your secret pal? Seeing as you say everyone’s got secrets.

Wendel. Well… I’m a traffic warden see? A parking inspector. Nobody alive likes parking inspectors. I’m just doing a job as well, it’s the only job I’m good at… and people hate me for it! But they’re the ones parking their cars in the wrong spots, it’s them not me!

Entire cast in unison. I hate parking inspectors.

Wendel. You see! And I haven’t done anything yet! The abuse I get! Well, it’s all right from strangers…But from my wife! She tried to eat to get rid of the shame of being married to me, a lowly parking inspector. And as for me… well, I started to suspect things. Gwenny! I’d say. Gwenny! Where have you been?

TRACK 18  IS PLAYED HERE

Mafiose. Gwenny?… Gwenny? Now where have I heard that name before? Wasn’t she the woman who…

Suddenly, from outside, blaring police sirens can be heard.

Mafiose. The police! You gotta excuse me. Nice meeting you all, but I gotta run.\

He exits.

Albert rushes back into the Laundromat, followed by a policeman, Inspector Dill, who is dressed in a singlet and pants. They approach the two men. A few seconds later, an off duty ambulance offer, Yorke Braithwaite, enters the Laundromat, dressed in Green.

Inspector Dill. Allo, Allo, Allo.

Harold and Wendel. Hello.

A Pause.

Harold. You’re back Albert?

Albert. Indeed. Brought a few extras with me as well.

Dill. Inspector Dill at your service. But don’t worry, I’m off duty. We’re all friends here.

Harold. Harold.

Wendel. Wendel. And you are?

He looks at Yorke.

Yorke. Yorke.

Harold. That Green is very fetching.

Yorke. You think so? I’m a paramedic. It’s the universal colour for paramedics now.

Dill. I’m colour blind myself. Not quite sure of my blues and my greens. They tell me this is a blue uniform (indicating his mesh singlet), but of course, I can never be sure.

Albert. Isn’t that a setback in your line of work?

Dill. Oh not half as much as my illiteracy.

Albert. Illiteracy?

Dill. Indeed. Makes quite a few things hard. Map reading for instance. For example, I got a call from the Bill the other day to go out to Leister Street…

Albert. Leister Street? Really? Isn’t that where you were hanging around? (to Harold).

Harold. No, not at all. Never been there.

Wendel. I live on Leister Street.

Dill. Really? Well, we were investigating a murder there just  yesterday.

Pause.

Wendel. It’s a big street.

Dill. Some woman I think, a large woman. What was her name? Gwyneth? No. I can’t seem to remember.

Yorke. Leister Street? Why, I was there only the other day. A failed last minute Dog resuscitation.

Harold. Dog resuscitation?

Yorke. Well apparently, someone had a heard a dog in distress. But when we got there, there was nothing to be found.

Harold. I hate dogs. Particularly those little ones.

Wendel. I have a Kelpie, but it’s gone missing.

Dill. I think I remember that Kelpie case! It was near that Woman’s’ house, the one that was murdered. No clues though I’m afraid. Except for a few bones that we found. On the property next to the Woman’s I think.

TRACK 19  STARTS HERE

Albert. Wait a minute! Kelpie hair, stained dress… Where’s that collar? Where’s that blanket? Where’s that dress? Inspector I….

A police siren sounds outside.

Dill. Sorry, not now lad. I’m on duty again. (talking into his walkie-talkie). What?  A lead on the case? Dwight Street Laundromat? I’ll have to check the street directory… (to Yorke). You might be needed lad, this could get nasty.

They both dash out.

Dill (from outside). I’m on my way!

Silence.

Albert (to Harold). You hate dogs. His dog is missing. You’ve been seen on Leister Street, near his house. The collar… the hair… and you still haven’t bought anything!

Wendel. Ah ha!

Albert (to Wendel). And you, have a wife, a large wife, and a large stained dress, and you haven’t bought anything either!

Wendel and Harold. Well I’d fancy a Spork…

They stare at each other.

Silence.

Albert. Dwight Street… Laundromat! Officer Dill!

He rushes out. The lights dim once again.

***

Scene 4

***

Harold and Wendel sit in silence. Neither man is able to move.

Wendel. He was harmless.

Harold. Not to me

Wendel. And loyal

Harold. Not to me

Wendel. Did you enjoy it? Did you enjoy butchering my Tricksy?

Harold (knowingly). Where’s Gwendolyn?

Wendel. How do you know her name?

Harold. Where is she?

Wendel. At her… visiting her sister. In the country.

Harold. Gwendolyn hasn’t got a sister. She’s an only child.

Wendel. It was you wasn’t it, in Leister Street, talking to my Gwenny. It was you.

Harold. Yes it was. It was me.

Wendel. Tricksy knew. She knew that you were having an affair with Gwendolyn. That’s why you hate dogs. That’s why you killed Tricksy and buried her in the backyard.

Harold. What?

Wendel. Number 22 isn’t it? Right next door to me.

Harold. You can’t prove anything.

Wendel. What about the blanket? What about the bones, the collar?

Harold. What about the bloodstained dress?

Wendel. It’s tomato sauce!

Harold. Don’t make me laugh

The naked man enters, moves to his machine and checks his washing. He removes the rest of his clothes then leaves.

Wendel and Harold have their eyes fixed on each other. Harold dives for he machine that contains Gwendolyn’s dress.

Harold. Give me that dress!

Wendel. It’s mine, mine do you hear?

They struggle for the dress.

Wendel. You have no right to….

Harold. Just as I thought. A hole. The sort of hole that might be made by….

Wendel. Something like this!?

He takes out a knife. Instinctively, Harold’s hands move to his pocket, checking that he still has his knife.

Harold. What are you doing?

Wendel. Mr. Dog Killer. Mr. Wife stealer. Mr. ‘take the dress out of the machine and find a bloodstain’ man. Not so clever now are we? I’m not a defenceless dog that you can wrap up in a red and yellow blanket.

Neither is sure what to do now. Eventually, Harold breaks the silence.

Harold. Go on. Go on and stab me then. Stab me like you stabbed Gwenny in the back.

He turns, offering his back to Harold.

Wendel. Take off that dress and face me like a man.

Harold. You mean like this?

He begins to put on the dress.

Wendel. Stop it! Stop it right now! You have no right! Stop it or I’ll…

Harold. Or you’ll what?

Inspector Dill is heard on a megaphone outside.

Dill. Put down your weapons. Come outside with your hands behind your head.

Wendel. What? So soon!

He lunges at Harold and grabs him.

Dill. Resistance is useless…

Harold (calls out to Dill). He’s got a knife?

Dill. A knife?

Wendel. A sharp nasty knife and I’m not afraid to use it.

Dill. That’s not very nice.

Wendel. I’m not nice. I’ll cut his guts open. I’ll… I’ll skewer him.

Dill. Oh… Oh dear… What would your mother say?

Wendel. My mother?

Dill. You’ve got to think about your mother.

Wendel. She’d be cross.

Harold. You’ve got to help me.

Dill. Settle down… Wait your turn…

Harold. He’s going to kill me!

Dill. That doesn’t mean you have to be rude.

Wendel. Well, she’d be very cross.

Dill. There you go.

Wendel. She’s always cross.

Harold. For pity’s sake!

He struggles  to escape, encountering only half-hearted resistance. He pulls the knife that he has in his pocket.

Wendel. So is Gwendolyn.

Dill. Who’s Gwendolyn?

Wendel. My wife…

Dill. Right! We’re coming in.

The police burst through the door, with Albert, and attack Harold, beating him to the ground. Harold squeals in pain. They eventually wrap him in the red and yellow picnic blanket and produce spades. Wendel is in the background, untouched and surprised.

Albert.  Nasty business. Poor little blighter never stood a chance. One ‘Tricksy’ I believe.

Dill glances at the knife in Wendel’s hand.

Dill. You’d want to be careful with that. Might stab someone.

The officers exit.

Wendel moves tentatively towards his machine. He places the knife inside and moves to the door of the Laundromat. Something large appears outside the door. He drags the dress.

Gwendolyn. Gar ba ba ma Gra da brum!

Wendel. Gwendolyn. It’s you.

Gwendolyn. Gra ba da ma da brum Gra.

Wendel. Well… I’m washing your dress Gwenny. As I always do.

Gwendolyn. Ba na gra ba.

Wendel. You’re hungry dear?

Gwendolyn. Gra ba ba na na.

Wendel. Gwenny! No! No you can’t! Not that!

Wendel is dragged partially offstage.

Gwendolyn. Gra da bra ga!

Wendel. Pit me down I didn’t mean…

Gwendolyn. Gra da bra!

She shoots him.

Wendel (piercing scream). No!

Gwendolyn. Buuuuuuuurrrrrrp!

TRACK 20 IS PLAYED, FADED at 2:30

The dress gradually disappears from the machine, before it is dragged completely out of the Laundromat.

The naked man reemerges, dresses and exits.

THE END